$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
