i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
