when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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