Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
