It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
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