is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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