My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
