Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
