I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
