you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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