Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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