Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
