remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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