he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
