I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
