i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
