I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
