chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He did a backflip because drugs
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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