His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
