When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
