It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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