My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
