Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
