Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
