Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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