As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
