Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I have aggressive nipples.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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