You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
