I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
