Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
