I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
