Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
