Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
