maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
