In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
