Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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