If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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