DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
