apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
