a search helicopter?!
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
