Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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