I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
