I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
