Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
