Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
