So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
