I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
