two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize