So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
bring money and cleavage
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
