I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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