Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
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That's how twitter works, right?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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