I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I'm gonna have a badass scar
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
