She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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