Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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