good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
