I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
