I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My penis needs a shock collar
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
